The New New

I sign my new lease and pick up my keys this Friday.
I have that nervous anticipation that I get after I've bought a new pair of jeans. I buy them, generally spending more money than I should have, then I take them home. I put them back on. I look at them in my own mirror. I sit in them. I put them on with my favorite shoes. I see if they hold up to my initial assessment.
I have to make sure that I still like them and that it wasn't a trick of the lighting or the sales assistant that convinced me that they make my ass look great.
Essentially, I feel the same way about this Friday. I'm nervous about seeing it again. I hope that I still like it. That it's as great as I remember it being. These are the things that I worry about. So silly, I know, but I can't seem to help myself.
Nervous. Excited. Nervous. Excited.

Most Grateful

You've never met a guy who is more grateful about a gift. New toys, new treats. It's like Christmas. It's like giving someone a present at Christmas that they fawn over and appreciate like it's the best gift they've ever received. He's like that every time!
He stole a Care Bear Cousins stuffed animal right out from under my nose the other day, but he was carrying it around so gently, and holding it, and loving on it, and sleeping with it between his paws, that I honestly couldn't take it away.
He gets the award for Most Grateful. It's funny how much this furry little weirdo means to me. How much he makes my days better. Makes me feel like I'm not alone in my single apartment. Makes me feel safe at night, even though he is not ferocious. Is excited to see me every time I come in the door, even if I've only been gone for 30 seconds. I am most grateful to have him. Couldn't ask for a better guy.

I Have Discovered The Secret

To coffee.

It is sugar.

Lots and lots of sugar.

Spoonfuls of sugar.

Perhaps the mounds of sugar will help quench my sweet tooth as well?

Birthday Wish List

I guess the month of one's birthday isn't a bad time to be moving into a new place and a new life. My 28th birthday neatly coincides with a time when I will be needing a few things. A better time to be needing such things than say, February, or June. Maybe my family will take pity and send me cash and/or gift cards?*

For new apartment/life:
1. Entertainment stand (currently the tv is residing on the tub of Christmas decorations; while this is fine for now, I want the new place to look like a grown-up lives there). I've got something low and shelfy and dark-wooded in mind.
2. Kitchen island. There is absolutely zero counter space at the new apt. Zero. Fridge. Sink. Stove. I will need some space to chop veggies for all of the lovely spreads I plan on preparing.
3. Computer. I know. How did I get to be this old without having my own computer? I think that makes me about six in technological years.
4. Etoile. I think that's how you spell it. There's no storage space in the bathroom. I'm thinking white. Target, maybe.
5. iPod. This is more of a want than a need (see #3)
6. Bookshelf. Could go dark-wood and modern-y with this one or maybe a more eclectic piece from the flea market or one of those crafty girls I hear about.
7. Bedside tables. I saw these awesome matching ones at the flea market. Wood painted sort of a shabby chic blue. Big and unique. Out of my price range though. But maybe something like them?
8. Area rug.
9. Curtains. No idea here. This is on the advice of the EmoMul who says it will help the wood panelling. I'm not big on curtains, so we'll see how that one goes.
10. End tables, a kitchen hutch, lamps, new couch. These are all maybe's.

I don't know how much is going to fit in the new place. I've got an idea of what I want my layout to be, but a lot depends on how much of what I've got will fit in the new space. Anyway. I'm excited. I'm hoping to get the keys by the end of the month. Then I can take a second look without the cloudy eye of excitement and start figuring out what will fit, what won't, what I need, what I have, what to store, what to sell, what to keep, what to buy.
It's nice to have something to look forward to and something to occupy my mind.

*This is not a hint hint for any of you lovely ladies who read my blog and actually know me, this is more like a planning tool and excitement generator for myself.

Yo-yo

No. Not like a rapper. Like a child's plaything. This is what I am. What I feel like. I hate to be so whiny, but christ, could my mind make up its mind at some point? I feel like I'm at the whim of a small, whiny child who wants to simultaneously bring me joy and throw me down a flight of stairs. Today I feel okay. Yesterday I thought I was going to fall apart at every moment. The day before that I not only felt like I was going to fall apart at any moment, but did, on more than one occasion.
I would just like to hit on a moment of clarity that actually sticks with me. I would like to make up my mind about something and maintain it. Not find that twenty minutes later I am frustrated about the same thing that I talked myself out of being angry about only minutes before. I would like to maintain my resolve, I guess is what I'm saying.
I am angry. I am sad. I feel disillusioned. Mostly with myself. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel naive about my expectations. I'm no longer sure of anything. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I was excited about my new apartment, but now I feel overwhelmed by fear and loathing (but not in Las Vegas).
Make a decision, brain! I beg you! Make a decision and actually stick with it. Maybe this is all part of the process. Maybe I'm being impatient. I am sort of impatient.
Fine. I will wait it out. I will see if this is going anywhere good. I will hope that this is all a part of getting me to where I want to be.

I Can't Stop Smiling

I put a deposit down on an apartment. Like 25 minutes ago. I will be a resident of the West Side in roughly three weeks (apologies to those of you trying to recruit me to the E. Side, but I know that you understand). It's off of Murphy Road. It's older. It's an upstairs, studio apartment. It's not very big, but it will be big enough for me and my boy. As long as there are no roaches, I will be happy. The rent isn't much more than I pay now, plus I figure that since water and electric are included, I'll actually be saving money at this place. Plus it's super close to work. I'm so excited. I feel good about this.
I will be working some major overtime to make up for the overlap in rent, but I really don't care. It will be worth it. It has wood paneling. I don't care. It will be worth it. I'm so excited. I am going to go baby-sit now, but I had to share.
Well... hello, Nashville.*

*Please read this in your campiest Kim Cattrall SATC voice.

Conversation With A Roach

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? You are dead! Why won't you die? Die! Die! Die! I hate you! You are dead! You are in pieces right now, how are you still trying to get away from me?!? Mother-effer..."

~rather angry one-sided conversation with a very resilient roach that I was beating with a broom at the time. In my bedroom.

My family isn't punishing me for breaking up with Tony. Nor are my friends, or his friends, or his family. He's not even punishing me. Everyone's been surprisingly supportive, actually. But, oh, the roaches are most definitely in his camp. And they are exacting a revenge that couldn't have been better planned to torment me.

Narcolepsy

"But I'm not tired. I'm not tired. I'm not tired. I just sleep."

This is where I currently find myself. I'm not tired. I'm just tired of things. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling and thinking and enduring. Things that just seem to be on loop. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of questioning who I am and what I want and how to get it. I want to curl up into a tiny space. I want to turn my brain off. I want to wake up when it's all over. I don't want to deal with these things that I feel. I don't want to go to work every day and look around me and push through another 8 hours feeling the hopelessness and helplessness that I feel. I don't want to go home and walk my dog, and make my dinner, and find a book to read until I can finally go to bed and shut it all out for another 8 hours until I start all over again.

I want to go to sleep. And I want to wake up once the hard part is over. I know that this is impossible. I know that I can't get to where I want to be without dealing with all of this shit. The messy shit. The hard part. I know that. Nonetheless. I'm so tired of it all.

But I'm not tired. I just want to sleep. Does the butterfly feel any pain during metamorphosis? Am I even going to end up being the person that I want to be? Is all of this pain even going to be worth it?