ok, well

so i haven't done a very good job at all. half of march has gone by, and this is only my second blog. but i am making a commitment to do better.
i've been feeling depressed lately. not sure what it is. well, some things i can identify, and others i can't. por ejemplo, when i get bored i pore over myspace. i notice that some people say things like, "i love my life" in their about me's. even my boyfriend tells me he loves his life. and i think to myself, "what would it take for you to make that declaration?" sometimes i think i don't even like myself that much anymore. and i don't know why. i'm not a particularly horrible person. i guess i've always been insecure, but it seems to be getting worse with age.
i think a big part of it is that i don't feel like i'm doing anything with my life. i mean, i have a good job and i enjoy the people i work with and i like the company i work for. but i sometimes wonder if i'm settling. my problem is that college was my main goal. going to michigan state is the goal i made, and i stuck to it, and i graduated, but i guess i've felt sort of lost ever since. i was so good at school that even as a college student i wasn't really thinking about a career or being a grown up. i was just enjoying all that learning and having trouble figuring out where it was going to take me.
my freshman year of high school one of my teachers got mad at me, because i was in the standard pre-algebra class and not the honor's one. she kept hounding me to get into the honor's class, but math was my weakest subject, and i was afraid to do poorly, so i avoided it. also, it would require me to rearrange my entire schedule, and i already liked all of the people in my classes. one day she pulled me aside and, well, she didn't yell, but she lectured...and she told me that i was "coasting". "you are coasting," she said, "you should be taking the honor's class."
anyway, my point is that i know i'm coasting now. and there's no mrs. seymore to push me. i've always been afraid of failing, and i've always been seeking someone's approval, and i don't know what i should be doing. for fear of sucking i'm coasting.
so i guess i have to decide what to do about it. or maybe i need to work on being less critical and try to start appreciating all the things that i do have. or maybe i need to do both.