My Tree

I didn't get a tree last year. The Christmas Tree is pretty much my favorite part of Christmas. It was always a big deal with my family. It's the part that brings it home. I believe in real trees. I wasn't sure that one would fit in my place. I didn't have any corners available, but I found a small one. So I got one tonight. The girls came over to help me decorate it. And he turned out beautifully. Thank you, ladies, for helping me carry on a family tradition, even while my family is so far away.

Also my first picture taken with my new camera. Super exciting!

Oh, Hangover

Last night was our Secret Santa gift exchange with the girls from work. We had a great time. I got a butter dish and a super cute silver necklace. Both of which I had mentioned that I wanted. For my recipient I got a silver locket and rose cabochon earrings. She really loved them.

We ate a ton of food and shared drinks and dancing. Summed up the night with karaoke in Printer's Alley. They let me sing so much. It was awesome.

A little too awesome.

I just ate three pieces of pizza. Now all I want is for someone to bring me one of those Starbucks salted caramel hot chocolates.

I'm watching It's A Wonderful Life. I think the chemical comedown of the hangover is making me especially susceptible the heart string pulling.

Zuzu's petals!

Christmas List

So, since I'm full of stealing great blog ideas in December, I'm copying The Blonde Mule (check her out - she's on my blog roll down there) and listing the things that I want for Christmas this year. Normally, each year as Christmas approaches, when asked what I want, I draw a complete and total blank. For some reason, this year there are several things that I've had my eye on and can actually remember (but still can't afford). Funnily enough, this will be the year that my mom never asks me what I want.

Victoria's Secret Red Wool Peacoat - I've been craving a red peacoat since last year, but I'm afraid that once I get it, it will go out of style. This one's currently on sale for only $99. Someone please tell me that a classic red peacoat is a staple that will live on for generations so that I can justify its purchase!


An iPod. This is kind of self-explanatory. I already have a Shuffle. My musical collection has really expanded over the past year. I got a gift card to the Apple store for my birthday, but I haven't been able to utilize it yet. I don't know how I feel about the new nano's, and I'm not sure that I really need the gigantor Classic. It may be better to wait for the next generation anyway...but I need more space! I'd like to listen to all of my great music in the car!

A new Spartans tee. I've seen the kind that I want for other schools, but I have yet to find one for State. I want a v-neck burnout tee. See below, but Michigan State, obviously.



Knee socks from Target. They're only $2 right now! Various colors and patterns. I particularly love the argyle ones. Not the best picture, but apparently they're not available on the Target website.


A new phone. Mine is 2+ years old. The back-light on the keypad has gone out. And I've noticed that it's getting glitchier and glitchier. But in technology years, it's like 72 years old, so I can't really blame it. It has served me well. But I think it's time for a SmartPhone. I'm thinking one of the Droids, if I can convince myself to shell out the extra cash for the requisite data plan (like a grown up).


Old Navy & Target gift cards - for aforementioned Target socks. Plus, they have these fantastic boyfriend tees that I want 8,000 of. I also want to peruse Old Navy for glorious sweaters and cardigans. And some new leggings. And patterned tights. And Target seems to be the only place that sells the refills for my planner (because I am an old lady).

A good dictionary. I read a lot. Sometimes I don't know the words I read (or how to say them in real life). And by good I mean unabridged. And good.



And last but not least. This. I don't believe that any explanation is necessary.



Merry Christmas! What are you hoping for this year?

So...

I'd write more if I had a laptop. What with the straddling the two jobs it's been difficult to find spare time (at work - where my only internet access comes from) to write. I'm putting laptop (or netbook, as I've been informed I should invest in that direction) on the top of the list for my tax return. It's about time I had a computer and internet access at home and raised my techonological age to about ten (almost pubescent!). I really love that word, "pubescent."
So, yes. I'm transitioning into the new position nicely. Finally started actually doing stuff pertaining to the new job, instead of interim/sort-of-but-not-really work. And I'm glad for that.
My holidays were good. Some parts of it even great, I'd say. I spent a lot of time with people that I love, that love me, that have a positive influence in my life.
I have goals for this year that pretty much involve that - doing new things, meeting new people, cultivating new relationships, making time for those who are already important to me, and no longer sweating those who aren't. It sounds easy. We'll see, I suppose.
Anyway. Today was a good day. Today I felt better than I have in a while. A little bit of sunshine. A ray of hope through the 10 degree clouds we've been having. I don't know where this optimism has come from (maybe the pounds I've gained over the aforementioned holidays?), but I'm grateful for it (the optimism, anyway).

Where Are You, Christmas?

'Cause I'm not feeling you. I'm sure that I'm not unique in this regard. I'm sure that this happens to lots of people each and every year. I'm not even going to say that it's never happened to me before. I'm just not feeling it. I want to feel it, but I don't.
It's going to be an odd holiday this year.

I Get Quiet

When I'm down. I get quiet. I wanna' tell you about the new therapist. About MeetUp groups. About my dad teaching me how to play chess over Thanksgiving. And how tall and grown-up my brother is. About how the adults in the house no longer talk to him like he's a child. How when he talks now they treat him the same way that they treat me. They don't talk down to him or belittle him. About how happy that made me. About how my mother still makes no sense to me, but how I feel an attachment to my dad that I've never felt before.
But it's hard for me right now to get those things across. Because I feel tired and sad. Because those thoughts often get drowned in the gloom I keep feeling, and I don't want to drown all of you in it. I have to keep reminding myself that things will get better. That things could be a lot worse. That no matter how sad or lonely or confused I am, that I still have a lot of things.
I read the posts of my friends, and I envy your happiness. I envy your new arrivals, your marriages, your recipes, and your happiness. I envy them because they were things that I had. Or things that I saw for myself eventually.
Now I am in limbo. Still. Really. Still in limbo. I keep trying to get a grasp on my attitude. To tell myself that it's all in the way that I think of it. That only I can change how I feel and how I let things affect me and where I go from here. And sometimes I have a great feeling. And sometimes I don't.
All I can say is that I'm working on it. Bear with me. Because I'm trying. I'm trying to overcome my penchant for wallowing and trying to be a little less quiet. Even when I don't feel like it.

You Know Who's Going On Vacation?

With her best friend?
To a fancy resort she could never afford by herself (at least for a good thirty years)?
With glorious white sands?
And a pool?
For an entire week?
Uh huh.
This girl.

The American Dream

Christmas day: dinner at Waffle House. "Free Bird" on the jukebox. No joke.

She Wants That Old Thing Back

You know, that thing called sunshine. Every winter I hit the skids when the cold sets in. I have a little whiny spell of longing for the summer and the things that it entails. Like flip flops, tank tops and jeans. Like a tan. Like being warm. Like not staring into my closet for fifteen minutes each morning, panicking about what to wear in the 40 degree weather. Much less the hour I spent freaking out about what to wear on that night out. Well, that whiny spell is here.
I hate the winter for many reasons. One being that I spent half of my childhood in Michigan, with snow. I then returned for my college years, where I trudged to finals each year in a foot of snow and/or ice. Where the snow that falls in December is still there in March, April and sometimes May. Sure you love cold weather...it's 'cause you've never really had to live in it. Trek to class/work/bar in the dead of a Michigan winter (which lasts for five to six months rather than two) and then tell me how much you enjoy sweater season. I hate being cold. I hate it. I hate bundling up. I mean, I like scarves, but I wouldn't miss them if I never had to wear one again.
The other reason that I hate the winter is because I hate shopping, I suck at fashion, and I'm cheap. Actually, maybe those three reasons are all interrelated...you know, if A=B and B=C, then A=C? Anyway...since it's cold in the winter, you have to wear layers. Shirts have sleeves. Cold weather cuteness requires lots of layering and accessorizing and having a great coat/bag/boot for every flipping outfit. My ideal ensemble consists of a white tank top, jeans, and some high rise flip flops. Thanks. All of that extra fabric and those extra layers require extra effort, and they require more money too. The task of searching out all of those cute separates is daunting. And scary.
And a tan. Dear god, I hate being pale. It makes me sad. It makes me depressed. It makes me hate my body. Give me the sun. Yes, I know it's bad for me. But I love it. I love a sun-kissed glow. If you're not Nicole Kidman, or the EmoMullet, you look better with a tan. Everyone does. Healthy. Slimmer. Thinner. Freckled. Happier. Yes.
Okay, so that's a lot of whining. But really, I could handle the cold and the wintry mix of rain/sleet/snow we've been having lately, if a little sunshine would come my way. But I swear it seems that it hasn't been out for weeks. I need some Vitamin D! I'm not even asking for a tan at this point, just a little brightness on a month that's been looking more like Seattle than Middle Tennessee.
So, I guess, Santa, what I'm asking for this year, besides a WiiFit and a pair of jeans that won't fall apart after two months, is a bright, clear, sunshiney Christmas.

Slow Night, So Long

Well, not really. I just thought it had been a while, and I should update. I should do better. I should draft, and edit, and plan ahead, and think about what I want to write before I write it. I could probably make this better, if I tried. I'm kind of annoyed with myself for not being more consistent. It seems like work. I should look forward to it, right? Not feel guilty. What an idiot, right? Geez. It's a flipping blog that two people, okay, maybe three people, read. I guess I'm depressed. It's my pre-m.s. It took me about twelve years to realize the ways in which my lady cycle affects my thoughts. I'm still getting a hold on that one. So, I'll make a list of sorts.

1. My credit card is currently residing in my freezer. In a block of ice. In an attempt to stop using it and start paying it down. I'm certainly realizing now how often I was whipping that puppy out and charging my life away. Christmas is going to be interesting this year. My list consists of Tony and Austin. Sorry family and friends.
2. I haven' talked to my mother since October. The beginning of October. I realized this on Friday. I should call her, but I don't know what to talk about. I feel guilty about not calling her, but then I remind myself that she doesn't call me either. It's bad, where we are right now, but I don't know how to make it better. If we do talk, we'll tiptoe around the things making it bad, or we'll argue about them, but either way it will stay the same. The situation is stagnant.
3. My car wouldn't start the other night. It was hitting it's "November-piss-Nichole-off" scheduled maintenance request. Tony replaced the battery for me while I was at work. Have I ever mentioned that I have a dreamboat boyfriend? I really do. He's the reason that my credit card is in a block of ice and the only reason I'm surviving without it.
4. Say what you will about the Kings of Leon, but that new album makes me want to take my clothes off and dance. This is the PG-13 version of what it actually makes me want to do once my clothes are off, but you get the idea, no? We went to the concert. Maybe it was a mistake to stand out on the floor, but I wanted to dance. I was surrounded by high school. They made me feel old. Really old, but I enjoyed myself nonetheless. My boyfriend played the drums on my ribs the whole night. This sounds annoying, but it was actually quite endearing. It fulfilled some fantasy I've had pretty much since I discovered boys and love: watching a show with a man standing behind me and his arms wrapped around me. I'm not gonna lie, some of my dance moves were a bit wobbly, it was good to have something to hold onto.
5. The holidays are coming. It'll be weird to not eat turkey, especially since it'll probably be the most healthy and nutritious item on the menu. Oh well, there will be lots of fried, baked and otherwise concocted veggies. I'm excited about putting a tree up, that's my favorite part.
6. I'm ready to get the eff up out of this shitty, roach-infested, claustrophobic apartment. February will come, but I have a feeling that we won't be out of here for a few or more months after that.
7. I need to get back to the regularly scheduled workout regimen. Here I come, Middle Tennessee YMCA. I love what you've done with the place, now let's see what we can do with these little fatty pancakes in my trouble zones. Hello, intervals, Pilates, and strength-training. The winter is better for such things anyway.
8. TV shows you should Netflix: Californication, Weeds, Dead Like Me. TV shows I'm waiting for: Pushing Up Daisies, Ugly Betty Season 3, and Arrested Development Season 3.

Summer Solstice

Had a good weekend. Friday we had 2for1's at the local Chili's. I got a quesadilla explosion that turned out to be a salad. I made up for it by getting a sauteed veggie quesadilla at the Rosepepper on Saturday. It was delicious. The margaritas weren't bad either.
We went to a party celebrating the start of the summer. Work friends, old friends, new friends even. A dance party. A little drama. Swimming in undies. A whirlpool. We got home and made eggs, which were somehow all over my kitchen the next morning. Went to bed with the chirping of the birds. Not a bad night. Sometimes good nights make for bad mornings, though.
My boss's words of wisdom: "A hangover lasts a day, but the memories and fun you make, they last a lifetime." Well said, my friend. Well said.
We're going to Michigan for a long weekend. Leaving on Thursday and coming home Sunday or Monday. My grandparents have a pig roast in their backyard every year. They invite tons of their friends. It should be fun. I haven't seen my family since Christmas. My mom has dropped her douchebag husband (again), so I'm looking forward to actually seeing her this time. I think she and my grandmother might be having a custody battle over Tony's and my affections, 'cause I got a call last week asking where we'd be staying...this just makes me laugh and feel loved. It's nice to be popular.

Stepdad-isms

I don't know if this is standard, if it's something in the gene pool or generation pool or social pool that makes some more prone than others to adopting catch phrases, or if we've all got them, and we just don't notice them in ourselves.
I saw my stepdad this past holiday, and things have been swirling around in my head since then. He and my mom are now divorced, and she's remarried to DB#1, but since my stepdad is my brother's dad he's still around, and since I spent my formative years growing up with him, he'll always be my stepdad to me. If I'm talking about my parents in a collective sense, like, "My parents used to take us here," I mean my mom and stepdad. Any reference to parents as a unit would be describing them.
Anyway, I wander. Key exchanges from my childhood/adolescense:

Stepdad (after any clumsiness or erring): Smooth move, ex-lax.

Nichole: Gosh, my neck hurts.
Stepdad: Oh really, 'cause your face is killing me!

Stepdad: I'm so hungry, I'm seeing dead relatives.

Stepdad: Are you going to the movies?
Nichole: No.
Stepdad: Well, then why are you picking your seat?

Stepdad: Comet...
It tastes like Listerine.
Comet...
It makes your mouth turn green.
Comet...will make you vomit.
So buy some comet, and vomit today.

I think that there was another one about diahrea, cha cha cha. Oh yeah, and "Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beans at every meal."
Funny how things stick with you as you get older. What sticks with you and what falls away. These turns of phrase pop into my head at random times. I long to say, "Well, your face is killing me! Ha ha ha!" when someone complains of a sore back or something. Yet I refrain, for fear of being thought as silly as I once thought my stepdad. Now I realize that these are ingrained in my mind as part of my home life. My childhood. The life with my mother and stepdad before things took a turn or two for the worse and they became miserable together.
He came over to my grandparents' house on Christmas Eve...quite chatty, although the cause of that was quite evident based on the bobbing and weaving. He said, after a discussion of how the in-laws in our family are referred to as outlaws, how he's the only one who's still invited to family events after divorce, he pats my shoulder and says, "And this...this is still my favorite ex-daughter."
Priceless. Dysfunctional. And totally priceless.

Ruminations

The Holidays
Were good, but weird. Not entirely traditional. I am very happy to be home, I must say. Boom supremely enjoyed his vacation, I think. An entire week of kennel-free life, along with sprinting the entire expanse of my grandparents' three-ish acres, five dogs for the humping, and the opportunity to roll in something dead. I felt like the wicked witch this morning when I had to lock him up in his crate for his first nine-hour stint in a week and a half.
Benson's Market
It's this little mom & pop grocery down the road from us. The only place that I've ever been that offers cat food, potted meat, dishwashing liquid and diced tomatoes all in one aisle, with a view of the raw meat at the end. I always expect this great, hometown service when I go there, and I never get it. Never a warm smile, no small talk. Perhaps it's got something to do with my always running in there when they are about to close. Or maybe I'm hoping for too much. I sort of feel like it's a civic duty to go there and buy something, to help keep the little man in business. Maybe they don't appreciate the favor? Maybe I'll just go to WalMart then! So there.
New Year's Resolutions
I'm formulating them in my head. I haven't written them down yet. But I'm feeling really positive right now. I want to make some changes and stick to them. I know that's what everyone wants at this time of year, so I guess just lump me in with the masses. But I had my Y membership before January, so I'm at least still feeling confident about that. More to come on these later.

A Myriad

Well...so I dyed my hair last night. A first time accomplishment for all by myself, and only the second time in the past ten years that I've dyed it from a box. The results are uniform, and yet I'm not sure how I feel about it. I went dark. Really dark. My natural color is fairly dark, but no one knows that because it's been highlighted for so long. It is quite a shock every time I look in the mirror. True that it does look healthier (i.e. glossier), I just can't decide if it's the right tone for my skin. We'll see how I feel in a week. Maybe it will grow on me. Either way, resolution number 1 is that next time I get my hair "did" I'll spend the extra money for a professional.
On the self-improvement front, I finally did my health assessment at the Y on Tuesday. It was nerve-racking given that my fat-pinching assessor was a male (not unattractive) pretty close to my age. I managed enough somewhat witty banter to calm myself down, but pulling my shirt up so he could pinch the fat around my hip was still a no-thank-you. However, after the pinching, the stretching (which was my lowest score), the weigh-in, the bicep strength test, and the aerobic test, I didn't turn out to be quite as unhealthy as I'd have expected. My weight was a lot lower than I'd thought, and I still think there might be about a 5 lb. error there. My BMI came out at 25%, which just got me into the "fit" category. It will be a good reference point for future goals though. I'm looking forward to more activity and health.
Although you wouldn't know about my new dedication to health based on the ungodly amount of sweets and candies and baked goods and goodies I've managed to inhale this past week. I tell you, it's got something to do with the time of the month too, which I've only recently picked up on, but now that I'm paying attention, is really showing a pattern. More about that for the Long Tall Sally, 'cause I don't really want to get into such things here.
Anyway, I am incredibly, awesomely looking forward to the upcoming week I'll be spending with my family. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I don't know how much to expect to see my mom, but I will be spending most of the end of the week with my brother. Now if I can just find him a Christmas present...for under $40...
Ahh, well. Hopefully my family won't end up driving me crazy by the end of the week, and hopefully they will like my new hair. If not, it's only hair, I suppose. And it is Christmas. With board games, and card games, and fondue, and tree decorating, and probably some slush, which is my aunt's frozen vodka concoction. And how can you go wrong with your family at this time of year?

Life Is Good

Tony was offered a position for the job he interviewed for on Monday! It's in the office (as opposed to the warehouse) for the company he currently works for. What's funny is that when he starts his professional career in 2008, he'll already have put in almost 10 years of service at this company. Holy crazy hell. He's going to be one of those examples that the company tells new hires about.
I am so excited for him. He was so bummed out after his interview, because he thought he had screwed it up. I suppose this is what love is. Being as excited about the other's achievement as you would be if it had been your own. And I suppose that this is a milestone or a turning point or something in our life together. Soon we'll both be working adults instead of one working and one semi-working, matriculating adult. We'll be a dink household. We'll be out of the strange limbo period I've felt us to be in and into something new.
In other good news, my car is treating me well after become a legal citizen of Davidson County. That's all I'm saying for fear of jinxing myself.
I feel good about today. I feel like I'm just going to relish this good feeling. Bask in the glory of great news and not worry about all those things that make me worry. Where my life is going? If I'm living up to my own expectations? What's going to happen with my mother and brother? Whether a roach will be waiting for me in my bathroom this evening?
Sometimes it is enough to just take a moment for what it is. And appreciate those good things that life hands out to us occasionally. Love. Employment. Stability. Pets. Enough money to eat grilled cheese and watch Waitress. A warm bed. A favorite song.
I guess my Thanksgiving just came a week late.

The Bug

No, not a post about roaches this time, although there was one in the bathroom last night that I thankfully did not see, but it managed to make Tony whimper in fear. I pledged my fealty to him after he zapped it into oblivion with bleach and disposed of it in the toilet.
Ok, this wasn't supposed to be a roach post. So no, the bug I'm referencing here is that bug that gets into me every year about this time. Just as Thanksgiving is coming, short work weeks, a chill in the air (unless you live in Middle Tennessee, where the temperature is still in the 70's...), that space between Thanksgiving and Christmas when there are extra baked goods lying about, and your dedicated work ethic starts to plunge. Off the charts.
I have no enthusiasm. I have no will. I want to sit at my desk and surf the Internet. Or better yet, chat with my co-workers, torture my cubemate with useless chatter. Anything but focus. And drink coffee in an attempt to keep from eating chocolates.
Alas, no bah humbug, although I'm not much into the actual spirit of the holidays. Money is tight after FINALLY getting the car legal. Paying tickets, paying mechanics, repaying friends who toted me around for weeks with gift cards. I feel I'm definitely on the edge of an abyss. How am I going to buy Christmas presents? That's what makes Christmas for me...hmmm.