I Hope You're Ready, Life!

'Cause we're about to start livin'!

February

Where did you go? Shortest month, I know, but still, I can't believe that tomorrow will be March. What did I do with my February, second and shortest month of this here 2011, I ask myself? A fair bit, now that I'm reviewing it.

First of all I have been trying to get back to my healthy habits, there's still a lot of room for improvement. I need to work out the majority of days in the week and count calories.

I volunteered at 2nd Harvest for the first time. They put me in the cooler, sorting baked goods donated from the bakeries of various grocery stores. It was like my worst nightmare, sorting delicious baked goods that I don't get to eat in a 30 degree box. Definitely made me appreciate my cushy life. But really and truly, I now understand the whole poverty/obesity conundrum. We sorted pallets stacked seven boxes high full of pies, cookies, cakes, bread, brownies, tarts, tortes, cupcakes, you name it. It was astounding. It was also quite the work-out.

I saw The Head And The Heart. They were awesome, the show wasn't long enough.

I went to Michigan for the 1st birthday party of my favorite cousin's first child. I saw most of my family and a couple of friends. Spent a lot of time with my brother, and I got some real quality time in with my bff.

I saw Jimmy Eat World in concert for the first time. They put on a great show.

I watched about 8 million movies. My favorite of which was Winter's Bone. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Jennifer Lawrence and John Hawkes were superb. It sounds odd, but it reminded me of watching The Wire. It was like a secret view into a world that functions within completely different parameters from the lives that many of us live, and yet the whole thing was totally believable.

I went hiking for the first time here in my area. We got some amazing weather here and I couldn't think of a better way to take advantage of it.

I went to three birthday parties in one weekend. Dinner at Kobe Steaks was a definite highlight (especially having to exhibit my fluffy, non-matching socks to the twenty people at our table), as well as enjoying the Hand Of Buddha drink from Bound'ry. Then there was a skating birthday party for my favorite 7 year old.

I went to the Nashville Flea Market for the first time in a couple years. Had the best time just walking around looking at wares by myself.

The Oscars were fun to watch, due more to the company than the show being all that entertaining itself. Really, James Franco? I never thought that you were much of an actor, but it turns out that you're even less interesting (charismatic, entertaining, engaging) live.

Life Is Too Short To Live It In Limbo

Sage advice from an old soul.

But it's always so much easier in theory than it is in practice.

Or maybe it's just easier to make excuses than to figure out what we really want for ourselves.

I Get Quiet

When I'm down. I get quiet. I wanna' tell you about the new therapist. About MeetUp groups. About my dad teaching me how to play chess over Thanksgiving. And how tall and grown-up my brother is. About how the adults in the house no longer talk to him like he's a child. How when he talks now they treat him the same way that they treat me. They don't talk down to him or belittle him. About how happy that made me. About how my mother still makes no sense to me, but how I feel an attachment to my dad that I've never felt before.
But it's hard for me right now to get those things across. Because I feel tired and sad. Because those thoughts often get drowned in the gloom I keep feeling, and I don't want to drown all of you in it. I have to keep reminding myself that things will get better. That things could be a lot worse. That no matter how sad or lonely or confused I am, that I still have a lot of things.
I read the posts of my friends, and I envy your happiness. I envy your new arrivals, your marriages, your recipes, and your happiness. I envy them because they were things that I had. Or things that I saw for myself eventually.
Now I am in limbo. Still. Really. Still in limbo. I keep trying to get a grasp on my attitude. To tell myself that it's all in the way that I think of it. That only I can change how I feel and how I let things affect me and where I go from here. And sometimes I have a great feeling. And sometimes I don't.
All I can say is that I'm working on it. Bear with me. Because I'm trying. I'm trying to overcome my penchant for wallowing and trying to be a little less quiet. Even when I don't feel like it.

Remember That Time

-you stole all of my good cd's?
-you hated Skittle cars?
-I loved chicken wings and actually ate them?
-we went to the pool instead of to work?
-we lived in one room, with all of our stuff?
-we were happy?
-we had Sunday night movie nights in our big, comfy, ugly chair?
-I helped you with (ahem, did) your homework so we could hang out sooner?
-Boom peed on you on the drive from hell?
-we were going to buy a house?
-you were the best part of my day?
-you weren't ready?
-I didn't stand up for the things that I wanted?
-you were my best friend and my family?
-I hated that dog sweater and you made me repent?
-I ruined Angie's bachelorette party?
-your sister read our "Hey Ya" texts?
-you pumped iron?
-I kissed a girl?
-we got in a fight, got over it, & swam in our panties-all in one night?
-I'd cry when I had to leave you?
-my cup ranneth over?
-you loved & hated morning kisses?
-my mom was a vision in sequins?
-I won a right-hand ring?
-we lived with your brother? and his wife? and their dog?
-I missed your finish line?
-we had it?
-we lost it?
-we didn't take each other for granted?
-and then we did?

Life Is Hard

Regardless of where your troubles fall on the spectrum of standard to tragic, from mundane to horrific, life is hard. We only get what we're handed. I sometimes feel ridiculous being so upset about the things that have happened to me, both now and in the past, when I compare them to the things that people I know have been through. I feel stupid crying about my love lost, my fear of being alone, my resentment of my mother. I get annoyed with myself for succumbing to the pain of heartbreak and the insecurity of not having many friends. I remind myself how much worse it could be. I don't live in a war-torn country. I haven't been abused or discriminated against. I have a job. I have a place to live. I have a dog. I have the things that I need to live. My problems are pretty cushy problems to have. I get embarrassed when I think about going to a therapist and complaining about these very middle class issues.
But.
I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love right now. The author, Liz Gilbert, actually addresses exactly this issue fairly early in the book. She describes a conversation with a therapist friend who has signed up to work with refugees. The therapist friend explains to her that even with all of things that these people have seen and experienced, when she finally meets with them, they all want to talk about their love lives. Their broken hearts.
And so. I guess that is the common thread among us. We are all like this. Life is hard. Love is hard. Loving someone is hard. It doesn't always work out the way that you thought it would.
I try to remind myself of this. I'm also trying to maintain some clarity and self-awareness as I go through this time in my life, so that I don't lose sight of the fact that I've still got it okay, even if my whole life is going a different way than I'd anticipated.
Additionally, so this won't seem so cryptic, my Tony and I are no more. Six years is a long time, and I feel like I'm starting my life all over again. So. Here we go.

Times Are Changing

Big changes. More to come. Sorry for the vague, but I'm still processing and not quite sure how to write it yet.

Missed Connections

On craigslist. Have you ever read these? I didn't know that they existed until about six months ago. Today was only my second perusal. One or two made me teary-eyed. Several made me laugh out loud. A couple were just vulgar. God. People never cease to amaze me. And this time it's in a good way.

http://nashville.craigslist.org/mis/

The American Dream

Christmas day: dinner at Waffle House. "Free Bird" on the jukebox. No joke.

Dream Job?

Teaching English in a foreign country.
Talking about dialects all day with other people who get as excited about them as I do.
Traveling the world.
Something that's not the same thing over and over and over again.
Something that's not in an office building.
Hmmmm...

On Being Good

Tony's niece and nephew, Ashlyn and Charlie, spent the night with us on Saturday. They are six and four, respectively. They talk our ears off. An excerpt from the drive to our place:

Me: Y'all are good kids. Do y'all know that? Are y'all good on purpose or is it just easy for you?

Charlie: My brain says, 'Be bad!.' And I have to say, 'No, brain, be good!' It wants me to be bad, and I have to tell it, 'no.'

Only four, and already expounding the trials and tribulations of life on this here planet.

Life Is Good

Tony was offered a position for the job he interviewed for on Monday! It's in the office (as opposed to the warehouse) for the company he currently works for. What's funny is that when he starts his professional career in 2008, he'll already have put in almost 10 years of service at this company. Holy crazy hell. He's going to be one of those examples that the company tells new hires about.
I am so excited for him. He was so bummed out after his interview, because he thought he had screwed it up. I suppose this is what love is. Being as excited about the other's achievement as you would be if it had been your own. And I suppose that this is a milestone or a turning point or something in our life together. Soon we'll both be working adults instead of one working and one semi-working, matriculating adult. We'll be a dink household. We'll be out of the strange limbo period I've felt us to be in and into something new.
In other good news, my car is treating me well after become a legal citizen of Davidson County. That's all I'm saying for fear of jinxing myself.
I feel good about today. I feel like I'm just going to relish this good feeling. Bask in the glory of great news and not worry about all those things that make me worry. Where my life is going? If I'm living up to my own expectations? What's going to happen with my mother and brother? Whether a roach will be waiting for me in my bathroom this evening?
Sometimes it is enough to just take a moment for what it is. And appreciate those good things that life hands out to us occasionally. Love. Employment. Stability. Pets. Enough money to eat grilled cheese and watch Waitress. A warm bed. A favorite song.
I guess my Thanksgiving just came a week late.