One Word Cont'd

Self assured.

adj. having or showing confidence and poise

adj. confident of one's own worth

I'd like 2011 to be a reflection of that quality in myself. It's the closest that I've been able to define what I want for 2011. Mostly what I want is to be comfortable in my own skin. Not to be complacent, but simply to be comfortable with who I am, and what I am, and how I am. To see myself clearly and be okay with it. To appreciate my good qualities and to accept the bad. Not to say that I shouldn't try to improve in the areas where I can, but to accept that I have certain traits, and not to beat myself up for not being some other ideal that's stuck in my head.

Tony said not long ago that he felt that I had come into my own this past year. That I was finally confident enough to be who I am regardless of who's watching. And while I love that he sees that; it's only half true. I'm not entirely there yet. That's a confidence that's still only emerging.

My goal for 2011 is to be there fully. To make positive choices. Choices that, although difficult, will be good for me. To make peace with past mistakes and let go of old grudges. To trust my own judgment. Not to long for or strive for acceptance from others, but to achieve acceptance of myself. To strengthen the relationships that I have that bring out and value the best in me and to let go of the ones that don't.

It all sounds like a bunch of self-esteem therapy talk when I re-read it, but it's where I need to be to improve myself. I have started getting my shit together this year. I've still stumbled. It hasn't been perfect. But I've been learning. I'd like to put those lessons to the greatest possible use.

Changes Good

So. How does one go about making positive changes in her life? Changes that she recognizes need to be made. Changes that she's been contemplating time and again. But bad habits are hard to break. And while I can very clearly see what changes I need to be making, I never seem to be able to stick with things. For me, it's money and health. I've already addressed my gradual weight gain in a previous post, so I don't want to gripe too much. The difference between the self of my now and the self of my youth is that I know what I'm doing wrong and I know what I need to do to fix it. Really my goal is not to focus solely on calorie counts and expenditures, but rather to make healthy changes in my life and then to see the results in the way my jeans fit.

So how do people resolve to make changes and then actually stick with them? If I did it once, I can do it again.

Ch-ch-changes:

1. Stop using my credit card and start paying it off. The balance just keeps going up. I have to be firm with myself and just say no. And learn to budget better.

2. Exercise more. And in different ways. There's no excuse for this one. It gets harder for me once it gets dark and cold, but I need to suck it up and do it. Especially when I know that it actually makes me feel good. The dog is not an excuse to not go to the Y!

3. Prepare and eat nutritious meals at home. I really want to start eating more whole foods and to expand my cooking abilities. I've been wanting to do this for a few months (since I read The Omnivore's Dilemma), but I basically haven't had enough money left over to try the new recipes that I've bookmarked.

I also need to drink less beer. But I might be condemning myself to failure if I try this during the holidays. So, we'll see about that one.

Anyway, there you have it. Probably the same three things that every girl aims to change every month or two. But maybe now that I've written it down it will make me hold myself accountable?

Life Is Too Short To Live It In Limbo

Sage advice from an old soul.

But it's always so much easier in theory than it is in practice.

Or maybe it's just easier to make excuses than to figure out what we really want for ourselves.

BFFE

It's amazing the effects that that much-needed, long distance, hour-or-three-long chat with your best friend can have. Like plunging an epi-pen into your heart after having an allergic reaction to life. I love you.

Water Stations Past, Present And Future

So I realized that I tell y'all about stuff, but that I'm very bad at following up with on-going sorts of things.

Yesterday was the Country Music Marathon & 1/2 Marathon. I had eighteen volunteers made up of my co-workers and their friends and family. We got to our site at 5 in the morning. With the help of another group, we set up tables, filled barrels full of water, lined the tables with cups and filled those with water for the runners. We watched the 1/2 Marathoners run by for a while before we started to get our own runners. We handed out water and cheered on runners. We worked in the rain. We picked up trash.

By 10 a.m. it felt like about 2 p.m. They ended up closing the race early because of the weather, but all of my volunteers were very good sports. We were out there until about 11, and we dropped the supply truck off at homebase at about 12:30.

All in all, it went very well, and I think there was only a short period of time when people were standing around without anything to do. It's funny how different an event is when you're "in charge of it" as opposed to just participating.

I still got that surge of inspiration from watching all of those people go by, from the lone wheelchair racer to the last three people who were limping past us but didn't want to give up, even though they wouldn't complete the full 26.2 miles. It was an amazing experience, and I thank all of my volunteers who came out and helped us to be a part of it.

"Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue."

At least that is what Viktor Frankl says in his book Man's Search For Meaning. We can only experience happiness by ceasing to try to achieve it. Happiness comes upon one once she stops living life for her own selfish satisfaction and devotes it to others or some life work or cause.

It's an interesting concept. I don't know if I agree wholeheartedly with the sacrifice part. But I do think that happiness eludes those who chase it.

I believe that happiness comes in moments. Happiness is not a state of mind; or something that can be captured. You can't will it. Can't pursue it. Can only wait for it to come. Instead it's a few minutes of reflection, of stepping outside ofyourself, and looking around and realizing that you enjoy the company of those surrounding you. Or that there is nothing you would change about a particular moment in time. Sometimes I think we don't even realize happiness until the moment is past. Looking back on a memory and realizing that we were utterly content for those minutes or hours. Utterly satisfied.

Happiness is fleeting. I'm trying to learn to recognize and value the moments as they come. Those memories of happiness are what make the rest of life worth what it costs us.

A Word On Words (or Look What The EmoMul Got Me)

So. I like words. I don't know if I ever spend much time pontificating about it here, but I do. I love the English language. I love words. I love what people do with them and what they don't do with them and how changing one suffix or prefix or word in one sentence can change the entire meaning.
That being said, I get pretty excited about rap music and what rappers do to words.
I got very excited about Timbaland's use of the word "fi-hot" in the new song, "Carry Out." I imagined it as the combo of "fine" and "hot". (Because the first thing I do when I hear a new word is picture the spelling in my head). I was about to use this new word in an email, but then I had to do a lyric search to make sure that I was getting it right. Because if there's anything I hate, it's getting words wrong.
So I started looking up lyrics, and it turns out that it's not "fi-hot" as in "fine" and "hot". It's actually "fire hot," but the way Timbo pronounces it you lose the "r". Of course I was disappointed to have interpreted the word wrong and couldn't put it in my email after discovering so. When I told the EmoMul this story, she was all, "Why don't you just make up your own word? Blah blah blah. Urban Dictionary. Do do do."
But for some reason I can't. I like words, I like other people's creativity with them, and every so often I am creative with language myself, but I can't take credit for creativity that was really just a misinterpretation...
All that back-story just so you'd know what this was about:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fi'hot

LoveFest

So when I got back on Monday, I took my dog for a stroll around my neighborhood. But first I went to the Produce Place and picked up my bi-weekly brown bag of goods. I love the Produce Place. I love buying groceries. I love putting my groceries away and seeing my full refrigerator and my full cupboards. It makes me feel like a grown up. As if I've accomplished a major feat by being able to feed myself (I guess I sort of have, but, you know). It makes me feel secure to see all of that food in there, especially the healthy stuff. Veggies for colorful salads and organic milk and quinoa. And I love my neighborhood. I love the houses. I love meandering through the state streets with my dog and never getting tired of picking out which house is my favorite. Which houses I'd want to live in. Which one is better than the other and for what reason. I love those first warm days when everyone is out. And I can get a glimpse of the people whose houses I've been envying for months. On days like this one, I love being alive. Can smell life in the air. The sadness and negativity and bullshit fall off, and what's left is the person that I wish I were all the time.

Fleeting, perhaps, but at least she's in there somewhere, right? Just waiting for a little sunshine...

CA

I've been thinking about The West. I think I'd like to go there.

State of the Blog - Ish

I got a laptop last weekend. I've been claiming for the past few months that possession of a laptop would enable me to write more. Encourage me to write more. But I've been sitting here for a half an hour trying to get inspired, and nothing is coming.

There's lots of stuff that I want to write about. What's going on in my life. Mostly my feelings and emotions, but I never know where the line is with such a public forum. If I were anonymous it might be different. But it's tricky deciding how honest to be when I know about six of you who do most of the perusing of this page. And you range from co-worker friends to family to other bloggers.

I have been pretty depressed for a while, but I never know how much of that to share. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm still trying to determine the threshold of what's appropriate while remaining honest. I want to write, but for the past year my life hasn't been bubbly and full of domestic happiness the way that it was before. The past year has been full of looking at myself and into myself and seeing what I don't like and not wanting to reveal all of that to anyone, really. I realized that most of my previous posts were pretty superficial because I didn't want to get too personal and when I get low I get quiet. 'Cause who wants to read about someone who's fucking unhappy all the time, especially if she can't write about it eloquently and articulately?

The point. I guess. Is this: I want to write more. I want to write better. I want to write real. I want. I want. I want. Story of my life. When do I start doing instead of just wanting?

Enjoy This Today

Sort of reminds of Prince. The video's super cool. Kind of an 80's vibe. I love the end when they start singing about the Tootsie Roll. And that smile at like 2 minutes. God. That is a life-changing smile. Wish I were more musically knowledgeable so I knew the proper words for describing the things I like.

Dance At My Funeral

Go Green

The world is turning green again. It's so nice. I feel like this has been the longest winter of my life, although I'm quite sure that I endured far worse temperatures and conditions back when I lived in the ol' Mitten.

Speaking of which, Michigan State plays Kansas in the Sweet 16 tonight. Let's wish my boys well. If they don't win, not only will my heart be broken, so will my bracket.

And on that note...GO WHITE!

Experimental February

So February is going to be an experiment. An experiment in not drinking for a month, in trying to eat well, in setting an exercise goal for each week, and sticking to it. To see if a month of healthy living is enough time for palpable results in the realm of mind, body, spirit.
I figure that the shortest month is the one to try. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
Given that today was Super Bowl Sunday I didn't eat incredibly well, but I refrained from beer, AND I had an excellent walk/run (much more walk than run) with my dog at the Greenway. It was an amazingly gorgeous day, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't close my eyes and breathe in deeply to really enjoy the wind and sunshine.
So this week's goals:
- 5 days of exercise. Two days of cardio and three days of strength training. It's time to start implementing some strength training so that I can tone up. I hate strength training, but it needs to be done. Tony brought me home this Women's Health 2009 Training Guide from the free bin at his work. I find a lot of the exercises to be very intimidating, but it's good motivation.
- Pass on the unhealthy snacks, most especially at work.
- Skip beer altogether, though we do have a birthday party coming up, so, if it must be consumed, 3 drink maximum.
Okay. Small, attainable goals are the road to change. So here we go.

Shopry Mills

We went today. Have I told you how I hate shopping? Well, I do. I lost some weight over last year, and I seem to be slowly piling it back on. I guess that's the way it goes, right? Well, I wasn't really in the mood for shopping, but I had some jeans to take back to Old Navy, along with a "Free Pair of Denim On Us" card (let me say as a side note that when you're dissatisfied with a product or an experience - write a letter. Always. Write a letter, and send it to the customer service department. You never know what they'll send back to you in the hopes of remedying the situation). I had a bad experience with a pair of Old Navy jeans, and hence, the "Free Pair of Denim On Us" card was born.
Well, let me also just say that the Old Navy of Opry Mills has possibly the worst lighting ever. I tried on about eight pairs of jeans, and they all fit, but weren't necessarily the flattery that I was going for. It also didn't help that every time I removed my jeans, every dimple on my thighs and every stretchmark everywhere else were on display. Dear god, y'all would move more product if you had some dimmer lighting. It was enough to make me sink back into my old jeans and slink out of the store with only a pair of yoga pants. That's right, Old Navy, you sure showed me. I'll be working this ass out for a few months before I saunter back in there, trying on jeans in the worst-lit dressing rooms of all time.
It was "inspirational" though. Inspiration to put the Oreo's away, and head back to the Y with a vengeance. Closer to the vengeance that I had at this time last year and farther from the weak vengeance I've been mustering. I tried on the jeans that I had returned, same cut, same style, same wash, slightly thicker denim, and I felt like a sausage. It was discouraging to say the least. The only thing that made me feel better was that my incredibly fit boyfriend said the mirror also played tricks on him, making him feel that his not-quite-cut abs looked more like a beer gut. I'd be content to just get back to my September weight and then maybe start toning up those dimples that are oh-so-evident on the Old Navy mirror.
I hate coming to terms with the girls that I'm never going to be. I'm never going to be fashion forward or trendy. I'm never going to be stick straight with an awesome set of knockers. I'm never going to be spot-on with accessories or hairstyles. I wish that I could just accept these things about myself and make the most of what I've got. I'd say I do that some of the time. Sometimes I can say, you are the girl with the big booty and heels and basic tank top/cardigan/GAP sweater (that your boyfriend picked out for you). Hell, you are the girl with the boyfriend who's always going to be dressed better than you are. So get your tan in the summer, buy your tank tops, find that one pair of jeans you feel confident in, and stop worrying about it. You are who you are. You're getting a little old to not be comfortable with yourself. Oh yeah, and maybe stop eating so many Joe Joe's and get your @ss to the Y.

Oh My Goodnesses

I have just watched the most amazing, most inspiring, most interesting documentary I have ever seen. I know what you're probably expecting, and it's not that. It's the Pixar Story. If you liked any of the Disney Pixar movies, any of their, what is it now, EIGHT, visual masterpieces, you should check out this documentary. Once you watch this film you realize why every single one of their full-length films has been a hit. It's because the company is filled with these people who are dedicated to making an amazing product, not just pushing out movies to make a buck. It was totally inspiring to watch. Literally gave me goosebumps a couple times, maybe 'cause I've loved so many of their movies, but maybe because it was just that moving to watch a company that had so much heart and devotion and took these great risks to make something that they could be proud of. Oh, to be so passionate about one's work. It must be radical. And this was all filmed before Wall-E. I can't even imagine how they're going to top themselves now.