In

I'm in the new place. The couch didn't fit. Know anybody who needs a couch? I'm selling it. I have a wish list about a mile long. It's good incentive for overtime. I've gotten a few lucky hand-me-downs so that I can at least settle in while choosing (and saving for) the things that I need. Hello, big ticket items.

Boom is adjusting.

I keep waiting for this to seem real. For what I'm doing and where I am to start feeling like my real life. To stop feeling like I'm waiting for something. To start feeling like my life is on a track, to somewhere that I actually want to go. This feeling of limbo is not new, but it is definitely more intense now that I am Tony-less. I used to tell myself that even though I might not have all of these other things I wanted, a satisfying career, a home of my own, that I at least was with the love of my life. That those other things would come in time. Now I feel at a complete loss. Unsure of what I want or how to begin or where I'm trying to go.

Maybe that's part of all of this. Making my own choices. Taking steps to get to where I want to be, and trying to figure out exactly what that is anyway. I don't really know. I just know that I want to feel like I'm starting to get it together. I'm not that young anymore. When will I finally that my real life has started?