In

I'm in the new place. The couch didn't fit. Know anybody who needs a couch? I'm selling it. I have a wish list about a mile long. It's good incentive for overtime. I've gotten a few lucky hand-me-downs so that I can at least settle in while choosing (and saving for) the things that I need. Hello, big ticket items.

Boom is adjusting.

I keep waiting for this to seem real. For what I'm doing and where I am to start feeling like my real life. To stop feeling like I'm waiting for something. To start feeling like my life is on a track, to somewhere that I actually want to go. This feeling of limbo is not new, but it is definitely more intense now that I am Tony-less. I used to tell myself that even though I might not have all of these other things I wanted, a satisfying career, a home of my own, that I at least was with the love of my life. That those other things would come in time. Now I feel at a complete loss. Unsure of what I want or how to begin or where I'm trying to go.

Maybe that's part of all of this. Making my own choices. Taking steps to get to where I want to be, and trying to figure out exactly what that is anyway. I don't really know. I just know that I want to feel like I'm starting to get it together. I'm not that young anymore. When will I finally that my real life has started?

Yo-yo

No. Not like a rapper. Like a child's plaything. This is what I am. What I feel like. I hate to be so whiny, but christ, could my mind make up its mind at some point? I feel like I'm at the whim of a small, whiny child who wants to simultaneously bring me joy and throw me down a flight of stairs. Today I feel okay. Yesterday I thought I was going to fall apart at every moment. The day before that I not only felt like I was going to fall apart at any moment, but did, on more than one occasion.
I would just like to hit on a moment of clarity that actually sticks with me. I would like to make up my mind about something and maintain it. Not find that twenty minutes later I am frustrated about the same thing that I talked myself out of being angry about only minutes before. I would like to maintain my resolve, I guess is what I'm saying.
I am angry. I am sad. I feel disillusioned. Mostly with myself. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel naive about my expectations. I'm no longer sure of anything. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I was excited about my new apartment, but now I feel overwhelmed by fear and loathing (but not in Las Vegas).
Make a decision, brain! I beg you! Make a decision and actually stick with it. Maybe this is all part of the process. Maybe I'm being impatient. I am sort of impatient.
Fine. I will wait it out. I will see if this is going anywhere good. I will hope that this is all a part of getting me to where I want to be.

Nervosa

Hmmm...so I'm getting my hair cut this evening. I'm a pretty non-commital type woman when it comes to such things. I've gotten my hair cut about...five times in the last three years, and two of them were Valentine's Day presents. I can't seem to find a person that I like enough to stick with, and it's always so pricey. I've rooted out a rather inexpensive lady, and I have high hopes. She comes recommended by a friend who always has really great hair, and I'm hoping for some magic.
I'm just in one of those slumps where I don't like anything about my appearance. I've been working out and trying to eat more healthfully, but I'm not seeing much progress. Last year's bathing suit season was the schlumpiest I've been, and I don't want to feel that way about it again this year.
So anyway, I'm hoping to get a new haircut that I really like (or at least don't hate), and maybe it will give me good motivation for skipping the dessert. You know, like, "No, Nichole, you don't need those donuts, they won't help your body match your awesome hair."
I've got in mind (& picture) the cut that I want (it's actually the same picture that I've taken to every stylist - so we'll see what this woman's interpretation is), but I'm not sure what to do with the color. I dyed it dark just before Christmas after years of highlights and being pretty much blonde. I like it well enough in real life, and it's actually pretty close to my natural color now, but I don't like it in pictures. It often has a reddish, brassy tint, and I think that it makes my reddish face look more red. So, I don't know. We'll see. If I like it I might post a picture. If I don't, then this wedding I have to go to tomorrow is going to be unpleasant.

The Bug

No, not a post about roaches this time, although there was one in the bathroom last night that I thankfully did not see, but it managed to make Tony whimper in fear. I pledged my fealty to him after he zapped it into oblivion with bleach and disposed of it in the toilet.
Ok, this wasn't supposed to be a roach post. So no, the bug I'm referencing here is that bug that gets into me every year about this time. Just as Thanksgiving is coming, short work weeks, a chill in the air (unless you live in Middle Tennessee, where the temperature is still in the 70's...), that space between Thanksgiving and Christmas when there are extra baked goods lying about, and your dedicated work ethic starts to plunge. Off the charts.
I have no enthusiasm. I have no will. I want to sit at my desk and surf the Internet. Or better yet, chat with my co-workers, torture my cubemate with useless chatter. Anything but focus. And drink coffee in an attempt to keep from eating chocolates.
Alas, no bah humbug, although I'm not much into the actual spirit of the holidays. Money is tight after FINALLY getting the car legal. Paying tickets, paying mechanics, repaying friends who toted me around for weeks with gift cards. I feel I'm definitely on the edge of an abyss. How am I going to buy Christmas presents? That's what makes Christmas for me...hmmm.