This is what I wish Coffee tasted like

Mumford's The Word

Thingies:

I got my hair cut again. It basically looks like the cut I got three-ish years ago. It's not quite shoulder-length. I'm pleased with it. Somehow having less hair looks like more hair when you have my hair.

I've been trying to work out and count calories and not be a piglet. My weight on the scales is pretty stagnant, and my thighs are still rebelling in my jeans. I guess two weeks is a little soon to be expecting results. I've just realized that I love food. I think about food. All of the time. I think the world falls into two categories of people, and I fall into the one that thinks about food all of the time. I can't help it. I enjoy it.

I am going to a birthday celebration this evening which involves Indian food and rollerskating. I hope I'm not making a wardrobe mistake by choosing leggings to skate in. They seemed like the most comfortable option.

A work homey sent me Mumford & Songs - Sigh No More yesterday. I recommend. I started on track 7 and then looped back to the beginning. I'm finding the sound to be very pleasing right now.

My new job is...I'm not sure how to describe it. I guess I'm still getting adjusted. I keep having dreams about it. Not the office itself, or the people, but the actual work. That happens to me when I start at a new position, and it usually indicates a degree of stress. I'm a work in progress, I guess.

I Am A Responsible Grown-Up...

...who takes back her new yellow iPod Nano to the Apple store upon discovery that it is not compatible with her work computer's version of iTunes (which is not version 9) instead of buying a new computer on credit to go along with her new yellow iPod.
See how responsible I am? Responsible, I say!
Sigh.
Also, area rugs...they cost as much as 5th generation 16 GB yellow Nanos, just in case you were wondering. Just in case you were trying to be a responsible grown-up who buys area rugs for your new apartment rather than flashy new Nanos that you can't utilize anyway.
Humph.
Being a grown up. Boo.

Yo-yo

No. Not like a rapper. Like a child's plaything. This is what I am. What I feel like. I hate to be so whiny, but christ, could my mind make up its mind at some point? I feel like I'm at the whim of a small, whiny child who wants to simultaneously bring me joy and throw me down a flight of stairs. Today I feel okay. Yesterday I thought I was going to fall apart at every moment. The day before that I not only felt like I was going to fall apart at any moment, but did, on more than one occasion.
I would just like to hit on a moment of clarity that actually sticks with me. I would like to make up my mind about something and maintain it. Not find that twenty minutes later I am frustrated about the same thing that I talked myself out of being angry about only minutes before. I would like to maintain my resolve, I guess is what I'm saying.
I am angry. I am sad. I feel disillusioned. Mostly with myself. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel naive about my expectations. I'm no longer sure of anything. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I was excited about my new apartment, but now I feel overwhelmed by fear and loathing (but not in Las Vegas).
Make a decision, brain! I beg you! Make a decision and actually stick with it. Maybe this is all part of the process. Maybe I'm being impatient. I am sort of impatient.
Fine. I will wait it out. I will see if this is going anywhere good. I will hope that this is all a part of getting me to where I want to be.

A Myriad

Well...so I dyed my hair last night. A first time accomplishment for all by myself, and only the second time in the past ten years that I've dyed it from a box. The results are uniform, and yet I'm not sure how I feel about it. I went dark. Really dark. My natural color is fairly dark, but no one knows that because it's been highlighted for so long. It is quite a shock every time I look in the mirror. True that it does look healthier (i.e. glossier), I just can't decide if it's the right tone for my skin. We'll see how I feel in a week. Maybe it will grow on me. Either way, resolution number 1 is that next time I get my hair "did" I'll spend the extra money for a professional.
On the self-improvement front, I finally did my health assessment at the Y on Tuesday. It was nerve-racking given that my fat-pinching assessor was a male (not unattractive) pretty close to my age. I managed enough somewhat witty banter to calm myself down, but pulling my shirt up so he could pinch the fat around my hip was still a no-thank-you. However, after the pinching, the stretching (which was my lowest score), the weigh-in, the bicep strength test, and the aerobic test, I didn't turn out to be quite as unhealthy as I'd have expected. My weight was a lot lower than I'd thought, and I still think there might be about a 5 lb. error there. My BMI came out at 25%, which just got me into the "fit" category. It will be a good reference point for future goals though. I'm looking forward to more activity and health.
Although you wouldn't know about my new dedication to health based on the ungodly amount of sweets and candies and baked goods and goodies I've managed to inhale this past week. I tell you, it's got something to do with the time of the month too, which I've only recently picked up on, but now that I'm paying attention, is really showing a pattern. More about that for the Long Tall Sally, 'cause I don't really want to get into such things here.
Anyway, I am incredibly, awesomely looking forward to the upcoming week I'll be spending with my family. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I don't know how much to expect to see my mom, but I will be spending most of the end of the week with my brother. Now if I can just find him a Christmas present...for under $40...
Ahh, well. Hopefully my family won't end up driving me crazy by the end of the week, and hopefully they will like my new hair. If not, it's only hair, I suppose. And it is Christmas. With board games, and card games, and fondue, and tree decorating, and probably some slush, which is my aunt's frozen vodka concoction. And how can you go wrong with your family at this time of year?

Torture

Why must office ladies place fishbowls full of candy on their desks? Don't they know my weakness? Yes, I think they do. Are they just trying to show off their invulnerability? Now I must spend my day averting my eyes from the Tootsie Rolls that are haunting me. Grrrr.
Everything in moderation, right? Just eat one or two. Well, my belly knows no moderation. It's sort of an all-or-nothing thing with me. So I must resist all day, until about 5:30. Because once I pop, I literally cannot stop. I know this because on Tuesday I ate 14 Tootsie Roll midgees and four Starbursts. I know this because I was thinking the damage wasn't so bad, and when I doubted myself I decided that the only way to know for sure was to count the wrappers in my garbage can. Yes, by 6:00 that evening my tally was 14.
Once I've let myself have five or six, I think, "Ok, I'll just eat them all today and then I won't be susceptible to their charms anymore because they'll be gone." Then I get to work the next morning, and the bowl has magically refilled. Horror of horrors.
So anyway, I had cut out the sweets at work for the most part (and this was mainly because the supply had ceased to exist), and now I have to retrain myself again. It would be so much easier if she would just stop putting them out there. I must be strong. Sometimes I feel like maybe I do know what it's like to quit smoking, because I am certainly addicted to sugar.
Here's to day 1 of sobriety.