"But I'm not tired. I'm not tired. I'm not tired. I just sleep."
This is where I currently find myself. I'm not tired. I'm just tired of things. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling and thinking and enduring. Things that just seem to be on loop. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of questioning who I am and what I want and how to get it. I want to curl up into a tiny space. I want to turn my brain off. I want to wake up when it's all over. I don't want to deal with these things that I feel. I don't want to go to work every day and look around me and push through another 8 hours feeling the hopelessness and helplessness that I feel. I don't want to go home and walk my dog, and make my dinner, and find a book to read until I can finally go to bed and shut it all out for another 8 hours until I start all over again.
I want to go to sleep. And I want to wake up once the hard part is over. I know that this is impossible. I know that I can't get to where I want to be without dealing with all of this shit. The messy shit. The hard part. I know that. Nonetheless. I'm so tired of it all.
But I'm not tired. I just want to sleep. Does the butterfly feel any pain during metamorphosis? Am I even going to end up being the person that I want to be? Is all of this pain even going to be worth it?
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2 comments:
I don't know about the butterfly, but the answer for you my dear is Yes, Yes, Yes. Yes, you will become the person you are supposed to be. Yes all of this will be worth it. You are asking the right questions and you are hurting the right way. And it must be hard, so very hard. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know I don't see you very often, and when I do, we don't talk about our lives too much; we talk about the lives we've read about. But girl, you are seriously strong and one of the most robust personalities I get to hang out with! Just keep sleeping and waking up. That's the key. Sleep. Then wake up. Then sleep again. Good plan.
wow. I don't want to sound corny or cliche, but I read your post, and cried reading it. Our feelings, at least in your post, match like twins. Today was a hard day. Tomorrow, maybe will feel better, but I am so tired of it too, tired of Narcolepsy, and it's invisible ton of bricks. I hope that your day will be better too. When I feel this way, I just think, it HAS to get better...it just has to. Hope you don't mind, but I will be praying for you. Your time will come, I just feel it. It will all be worth it if we don't give up and keeping giving to others whatever we can.
Ja:)
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